How I Met the Boondock Saints
by NewsiesSpot88
Summary: Connor and Murphy get stranded in New York City, they meet some new people at a bar called MacLaren's, and some interesting stuff goes down.  Rated for some language.
1. Prologue

**HOW I MET THE BOONDOCK SAINTS**

_Ted/Bob Saget:_

Kids, have I ever told you about the time we met those Irish twins at the bar?

No?

Really? I haven't?

Well, it's a great story…

* * *

**So, not to be creepy or anything, but this idea came to me in a dream, and Athena convinced me to write it down. Which is why this is for Athena.**


	2. A Phone Call

Ring. Ring. Ring.

"Hello?" Connor said sleepily.

"Connor MacManus?"

"Aye, who's asking?"

"My name is Abby O'Brian. I'm a doctor at Cork County Hospital."

Suddenly Connor was awake. "You're a what?"

"We have you listed as the emergency contact for Annabelle MacManus, she was admitted last night after suffering a heart attack in her home…"

Connor leapt out of his bed and jumped on his brother. "Murphy!" he hissed. "Murph, get up get up get up!"

"Uhhh," Murphy muttered, lazily swatting Connor away.

"Get up, retard, Ma's in the hospital!"

Murphy's eyes snapped open. "_What_?"

"Mr. MacManus?"

Connor positioned the phone so he and Murphy could hear. "Yes?" they said in unison.

"Your mother is out of critical condition, but she has to stay in the hospital for a few more days, and she's been asking for you and your brother."

Murphy buried his head in his arms. "Asking, right," he muttered. "Like hell if she isn't yelling her head off at every nurse there."

Connor smacked Murphy in the back of the head. "You can tell her we'll be on the next flight," he said into the phone.

"What the fuck is she doing to give herself a fucking heart attack?" Murphy grumbled.

"Terrorizing the neighbors," Connor suggested.

"She's been doing that for years, though."

"Whatever. We'll find a fucking flight in the morning."


	3. Some Big News

"All right, Barney, tell us why we're here," Ted said.

"Yea, come on, man, we're missing Wheel of Fortune," Marshall said, checking his watch. Lily nodded earnestly.

"Believe me, this is much bigger than Wheel of Fortune," Barney assured. "This news will change how you – nay, how the _world_ sees Barney Stinson!"

"Mhm…"

"Just tell us!" Lily exclaimed.

Barney cleared his throat. "All right. I, Barney Stinson, am – wait for it…"

_Chirp, chirp, chirp._

"Gay!" Barney finished.

There was a dead silence around the table.

"You're _what_?" Robin said incredulously.

"That's right," Barney asserted. "I'm gay."

"You're kidding, right?" Ted asked.

"No, no guys, it makes sense!" Lily said slowly. "When was the last time he hit on anybody?"

Everybody paused to think.

"That Asian chick last month," Marshall said.

"She was rather mannish," Robin added. "I mean, did you see the size of her feet?"

Everybody murmured their agreement.

"But… this is so weird!" Ted burst out. "You're Barney Stinson! You've slept with over two hundred women! Your apartment is designed to kick women out after one night stands! You can't go five minutes without making a joke about screwing some blonde bimbo over!"

Barney thought about it. "Yea."

"So what happened?"

"I dunno. It's just like you've said. I've slept with so, so, _so _many women. It's just not as awesome as it used to be, you know. Women no longer present a unique, beautiful front. They are bland and tasteless and impossible to differentiate from each other. Boobs are nothing more than lumps of excess body fat. Women…"

"We get it," Lily interrupted. "You don't like women anymore."

"Do you feel as self loathing as I do now?" Robin asked Lily.

"A little. Come on, Marshall, let's go have sex."

Robin laughed. "Yea, I need to go get hit on."

The three of them left, leaving Barney and Ted.

"So you're really gay," Ted said.

Barney nodded. "Yea. I talked to James about it last week. It feels right, you know."

"Do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Shoot."

"How's my ass looking?"

Barney laughed. "Please, Ted. You're not my type."

"Aw, come on," Ted whined.

"Not happening, bro."


	4. Well, Blame Ma

"So, tell me again what we're doing?" Murphy asked as they boarded the plane.

"We're flying to New York and then getting a flight from JFK to Cork."

"And how long is this going to take?"

Connor sighed. "An hour and a half, a couple hours layover, then eight hours home."

"Joy. Twelve fucking hours of traveling," Murphy said irritably.

"Yea, well, blame Ma."

"Don't worry, I do."


	5. Besides Marshall

"So, Barney, have you slept with any guys yet?" Lily asked.

"Not yet."

Robin raised an eyebrow. "Kissed a guy yet?"

"That's a negative."

"Have you even hit on a guy yet?" Ted said slowly.

Barney thought about it. "No."

"Unless," he added, "you count that innuendo I made towards Marshall this morning to freak him out."

Marshall raised his hand. "I count that." He looked around at the table. "What? It really freaked me out!"

"Oh, so you'll hit on Marshall, but you won't even look at my ass?" Ted asked.

"I'd feel bad too if I had that misshapen lump," Lily said.

"Oh, haha, it's very funny," Ted said moodily.

"So, why haven't you hit on anyone yet?"

"Besides me," Marshall put in.

Robin rolled her eyes. "Yes, besides Marshall."

Barney shrugged. "I dunno, I just haven't felt like any of the guys here deserve my attention. Besides Marshall." He winked.

"Cut it out, Barney."


	6. Pub, Irish, Beer

"I can't believe Ma picked the weekend of a fucking BLIZZARD to have a heart attack," Murphy grumbled.

"Yea, I know."

"I mean, a delay I would understand. But THREE FUCKING DAYS…"

"I know, Murph."

"I mean, did it ever fucking occur to you to check the fucking forecast before you fucking booked a flight to get fucking stranded in fucking New York City?"

Connor scowled. "This isn't my fucking fault."

"Aye, so it's my fault we're wandering around in the snow with nowhere to go."

"Fuck you!"

The twins walked in silence for a while, occasionally shooting death glares at each other. Connor was about to suggest that they find a hotel when Murphy grabbed his arm.

"Con! Look!"

Murphy was pointing at a sign on a pub – MACLAREN'S.

"Pub! Irish! _Beer_!"

Connor saw that excited look in Murphy's eyes. "Murph, come on, we don't have time…"

"Fuck that, we got three fucking days! Come on, just one beer!"

"And another, and another, and another…"

"And what's so fucking terrible about that?"

Connor sighed. "_Fine._"


	7. Pug Face

"All right," Barney said, downing his beer. "I have now had enough drinks to hit on a guy."

Everyone at the table cheered.

"So, who do you like?" Lily asked. "Guy in the hat?"

"Eh…"

"Ooh! That hot guy by the juke box!" Robin said.

"Not really my style…"

"So what is your style? Oh! Suit, by the door!"

Everyone agreed. "Suit, that's definitely your style," Lily said.

Barney laughed. "Brown suit, black shoes? Please." He scanned the room. "Ooh, check out that hottie at the bar."

"What, one of those two? They're both hot, which one?" Lily said.

"Blondie, on the right."

"What? No way, the other one's way hotter," Robin objected.

"Well, Robin, you are a dog person…"

"Oh, shut up, he's adorable!"

Barney laughed. "Sure." He called Wendy the Waitress over. "Wendy, what's the deal with those two at the bar?"

Wendy the Waitress shrugged. "They just came in and sat down, they've been there since about ten. Connor and Murphy. I think they're Irish."

Barney took a deep breath. "All right, I'm going over there."

"I dunno, Barney, I think those two might be on a date," Wendy the Waitress said.

"Really, Wendy? Have you no faith in my charm?" Barney winked and sauntered off to the bar.

He hovered behind his target for a moment, listening to the conversation.

"I'm telling you, Murph, we gotta go find a hotel or something," he was arguing.

"Come on, Con, one more beer," the other pleaded.

"Like you need another fucking beer!"

Barney slipped himself smoothly in between the two of them. "Hey, handsome, if you need a place to stay tonight, why don't you ditch pug face here and crash at my place?" he said invitingly.

"Excuse me?" Murphy said incredulously.

Connor stared at Barney and then burst out laughing. "Are you fucking serious?"

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" Murphy challenged.

"I'm sorry, was I talking to you?" Barney said. He stuck out his hand to Connor. "Barney Stinson. And you are?"

"In the middle of something right now, so if you don't mind…"

"No, no, Connor, you chat with your new friend," Murphy said with a mischievous wink, disappearing in an instant.

Barney took Murphy's stool. "So, Connor. Ireland?"

Connor eyed him warily. "Aye."

"So, what's the deal with you and pug face? You two exclusive?"

Connor nearly inhaled his drink. "Me and Murphy?" Then an idea struck him. "Well, I guess, we are on a date…"

Barney raised an eyebrow. "Is that so."

"'Fraid it is, yea," Connor said brightly. "In fact, we're about to take a vacation together…"

Barney looked slightly put down, but resumed his swagger. "Well, I think…"

Murphy came up behind Connor. "So, how you two doing?"

Connor whirled around. "You know, it's quite rude to leave in the middle of the date, _sweetie_."

Murphy caught on immediately. "I just had to make a quick phone call, _honey_."

Barney nodded. "All right. That's cool. But this isn't the last you have seen of Barney Stinson."


	8. How Gay Murphy Really Is

"So, why the fuck did you tell him we were on a date?" Murphy said as soon as Barney left.

"He brought it up, I merely led him to believe it was true."

Murphy raised an eyebrow.

"I figured it would get him to leave me alone, yea?"

"Whatever." Murphy took a glance in the mirror behind the bar. "Pug face? Really?"

Connor snorted. "The man's got good taste."

Murphy punched Connor in the arm. "I mean, really. He thinks you're handsome, but I'm _pug face_?"

"If it makes you feel any better," Connor said, "that one thinks you're adorable." He nodded towards Robin.

"Which one? Shit, that one?"

"Mhm."

"She's hot!"

"Eh, objectively."

"You're fucking gay, you have no idea."

"Why don't you just go fucking talk to her, eh?"

"Well, I would, but _somebody_ told her friend I am neither available nor straight?"

Connor laughed. "Looks like you got a problem."

"Come on, Con, go tell the suit we're not really on a date."

"So he'll come hit on me again? No thank you."

"Please, Con? You won't even help your brother get laid?"

"No."

"Aw, what kinda twin are you?"

"If you don't fucking drop the subject, I will be forced to show her how gay you really are."

"What the fuck are you talking about? Come on, she's looking over here, just go tell 'em I'm not gay."

Without warning, Connor leaned forward and kissed Murphy on the lips.

"But Murphy, how can I tell them you're not gay when you just kissed a man?" Connor said innocently.

"Fuck you!"

"You're getting less straight by the minute."

Murphy couldn't even think of a comeback for that.

"Win," Connor said triumphantly.

* * *

**There you go, Athena, this chapter is specifically for you!**


	9. Dowisetrepla

"Aw, man, all the hot guys are gay," Robin whined after witnessing Connor and Murphy's kiss.

"Yes, we are," Barney said. He looked around at Ted and Marshall. "Yes offense."

"Now, wait a minute…" Ted was saying when Connor trudged up to the table, being prodded by Murphy.

"Go on," Murphy prompted.

Connor sighed. "Barney, Murphy here would like me to inform you that we are not actually on a date, and that both of us are, in reality, single." He turned to Murphy. "Happy?"

"Very," Murphy said with satisfaction. "And also, I'm not gay."

Robin could have jumped with excitement. "Hey, do you two want to pull up a couple chairs for a while? Next round's on Ted."

"Hey, wha – ow! I mean, yea," Ted muttered, rubbing his shin under the table where Robin had kicked him.

Connor opened his mouth to object, but Murphy cut in. "We'd love to," he said smoothly.

As soon as they were seated, Murphy stuck his hand out to Robin. "Hey there, lass, I'm Murphy."

She took it gingerly. "Robin."

Attempting to be charming (which really isn't that hard for Murphy), he kissed her hand. After that, Robin felt a little faint. Connor (and Barney, and Lily, and Marshall, and Ted) all rolled their eyes.

"So, Connor, Murphy. Where you guys from?" Ted asked.

"Originally, Cork," Murphy said. "We came here… what, five years ago?"

"Six," Connor corrected.

"Right, six years ago. And now we live in Boston."

Lily, Marshall, Ted, and Barney scoffed.

"Boston? Really?" Ted said.

"Talk about the worst city in the _world_," Lily supplied.

"What? No way," Connor objected.

"Like New York's any better?" Murphy said.

"Uh, _yea_," Barney said. "There's things to _do_ in New York."

Robin interrupted. "If there's so much to do, why do we always come to the same bar?"

Lily, Marshall, Ted, and Barney struggled to come up with a comeback to that.

"There you go. New York's no better than Boston," Murphy said, winking at Robin.

"Well, what do _you_ do all the time?" Marshall challenged.

Connor and Murphy thought about that. "Drink," they said at the same time.

"You guys are like the Bostonian version of us," Lily laughed.

"In some ways, aye," Connor mused.

"Yea, but at least Boston doesn't smell like the whole damn town is down wind of the sewage treatment plant," Murphy added.

Lily and Marshall shuddered. "Don't say those words."


	10. Apples and Bananas

"So, Robin, where are you from, then?" Murphy asked.

"Canada. Toronto, specifically."

Murphy glanced at Connor. "Hey, we've spent some time in Toronto! Great place."

"Yea, the people there are really friendly. Remember that guy we met outside Henry's?" Connor asked.

"Oh, yea. We ran into this guy, knocked him flat on the ground. He gets up, apologizes to us, and offers us some donuts!"

Robin smiled broadly. "That's my great white north." She looked around at the table. "Win," she said to Barney, Ted, Marshall, and Lily.

"Whatever," Barney muttered.

Robin smirked. "He stopped making fun of Canada after I threatened his 'little barnacle' with my gun," she told Connor and Murphy.

They both perked up at the world 'gun'. "You have a gun? What kind?"

"Oh, jeez, more gun nuts," Ted muttered.

"Gun _enthusiast_," Robin insisted. "It's a .44 Magnum."

Murphy whistled. "Nice."

"Let's change the subject, shall we?" Ted interrupted. "How 'bout we play a game? Let's start with an easy one. Red Sox or Yankees?

"Red Sox," Connor and Murphy said immediately.

"Yankees," Barney and Marshall said at the same time.

Everyone looked at Lily and Robin.

"Canadian," Robin supplied.

"Female," Lily added.

"How about… chocolate or vanilla?" Marshall asked.

"Chocolate," Ted said. Lily agreed.

"Vanilla," Robin said.

"Strawberry," Connor and Barney said at the same time. Connor looked up at Barney for a second, made eye contact with him, and snapped his eyes back down. Damn it, why was he blushing? At least, no one noticed. Besides Murphy, anyway, but Murphy noticed everything.

"Strawberry, really?" Ted said, wrinkling his nose.

"Strawberry's disgusting," Lily said.

"False!" Barney objected. "Strawberry is the most underappreciated ice cream flavor."

"Dog or cat?"

Everyone agreed on that one. Obviously.

"Apples or bananas?"

Ted, Murphy, Marshall: "Apples."

Connor, Lily, Robin, Barney: "Bananas."

"Hopscotch or jump rope?"

Lily, Ted, Marshall, Murphy: "Hopscotch."

Robin, Connor, Barney: "Jump rope."

"I got one," Murphy asked. "Who do you think's older, me or Connor?"

Barney and Robin: "Connor."

Ted, Lily. and Marshall: "Murphy."

Murphy raised his hands triumphantly. "Win."

Connor rolled his eyes. "Whatever, little brother." Murphy ignored him.

"Wait, _brother_?" Ted interrupted. "You guys are brothers?"

"Twins," Murphy added.

"No way."

"Aye."

"…then why'd you kiss?"

"_Because some seventeen year old girl has sick fantasies like that."_ Connor laughed. 'I like to mess with Murph's head."

"Fuck you," Murphy muttered.

"See, he brings most of it on himself."

"So, if you guys aren't actually on a date, are you actually going on vacation together?" Barney asked.

"Oh, yea. We're flying home to Cork, our Ma's in the hospital.

There was a chorus of "I'm sorry"s and all that jazz. Connor and Murphy waved them off.

"Oh, she's fine," Connor said. "Actually, I should probably call and tell her our flight's delayed." He left the table.

"Barney mentioned something about you guys needing a place to stay?" Ted asked Murphy. "You could crash at me and Robin's…"

Murphy stared at them. "You and Robin live together?"

"Oh! Not like that," Robin said quickly. "We're just roommates."

"Yea, we already tried the dating thing." Ted said. "Didn't work, I want to get married, and Robin's not looking for anything serious."

Murphy's momentarily crushed mood lightened considerably. "Sounds good," he said brightly.

**A/N**

**1: Forgive my horrible lack of knowledge on guns, I just found this on the internet.**

**2: The Red Sox and the Yankees are baseball teams, Athena. Little white ball.**

**3: Italics are an optional-read.**


	11. As Conceited As You Are

A little bit later, Connor and Murphy went up to the bar to get drinks. Murphy would not shut up about Robin, much to Connor's annoyance.

"I'm serious, Connor! This chick is awesome!"

"Mhm…"

"Listen. She's an immigrant. She loves guns. She's hot. We have so much in common!" Murphy said excitedly.

Connor rolled his eyes. "If you find out she's as conceited as you are, then I'll be excited."

"Fuck you, you're just jealous 'cause I'm the hotter twin."

Connor snorted. "Is that what Ma told you? Maybe it's just because she takes pity on her _youngest_ son…"

Murphy raised an eyebrow. "What the fuck are you on about? She never told us…"

"Ever wonder why the hospital called looking for me, hmm? I wonder if it's because I'm listed as the eldest… but that's just Dr. Abby O'Brian's point of view."

Murphy's jaw dropped. "What the… she didn't… you can't…. aw, fuck you!"

Connor winked. "Only if Robin won't, darling."

"You know, I bet a straight twin wouldn't hit on me so much."

* * *

When they returned to the table, Marshall and Robin were arguing.

"Robin, we've been through this. You're a six, _maybe_ a seven."

"Uh, excuse me, I am a solid _ten_," Robin said flatly.

Murphy looked pointedly at Connor. _Win,_ he mouthed.

**Yes, Athena, this chapter title is directed at you.**


	12. Roomies

"Hey, Connor?" Ted said.

"Aye."

"I don't know how to tell you this, but Robin kind of took Murphy up to the apartment…"

Connor laughed. "Of course."

"Yea, and I'm going to Marshall and Lily's, so…"

Barney appeared behind Ted. "What's this I hear? Connor has no place to go? Interesting, very interesting. If only we knew someone with an empty apartment… what's that you say, Ted?"

"I didn't say anything," Ted said. Barney ignored him.

"That's right! I _do_ have an empty apartment! What a stroke of luck for our dear friend Connor!"

"Um… yea," Ted said.

"Jesus fucking Christ," Connor muttered.

"Well, good luck with that," Ted said brightly.

Barney grabbed Connor's backpack. "Well, come on, roomie!"

**Dear Athena, since you remind me of Robin, you can just imagine the scene where Robin and Murphy hook up, because there is no way in heaven I am writing that.**


	13. In the Lair of the Beast

Connor tried to think that the ONLY reason he allowed Barney to our him shot glass after shot glass full of whatever the hell he was drinking was because he was Irish, and that's what Irishmen do. It totally wasn't because Connor was finding Barney extremely attractive and impossible to turn down. Not at all.

"Holy shit! You do _not_ have a life size Storm Trooper!" Connor nearly fell out of his chair out of excitement.

Barney smirked. "Why, yes, I do."

"That's the coolest fucking thing I've ever seen!"

That's the moment Barney really fell in love. No female he had ever taken back to the apartment had loved the storm trooper – or even liked it. Several were even freaked out by it, enough to send them running. But here was a person so different from the rest – and so much better.

Connor and Barney talked for a while. Eventually Barney dropped his pick-up act, Connor forgot to act uninterested, and they just talked.

"So," Barney said, "does you r brother always hook up with strange women?"

Connor thought about it. "Pretty much, aye."

Barney laughed. "That used to be me, you know."

Connor looked startled. "You haven't always been gay?"

Barney looked confused. "You have?"

"Well… yea. I mean, as far back as I can remember."

"Wow. I mean…. being gay is, I guess, pretty recent for me."

Connor raised an eyebrow. "How recent?"

"Like… you're-the-first-guy-I've-hit-on recent."

Connor whistled. "Wow."

"Yea, so, how am I doing?"

Connor really didn't want to answer that honestly, so he settled for a disinterested "Eh."

They talked some more. Barney forgot to refill their glasses; they just sat and talked. And eventually, they forgot to keep talking.

Connor realized, in the absence of talking, that he was staring intently into Barney's eyes, and that Barney was staring intently back. And though there was a counter in between them, both of them were leaning towards each other, leaving only a few inches distance.

"Damn it," Connor said aloud, and grabbing the front of Barney's suit, he pulled him forward until their lips met.

"I changed my mind," Connor said. "For your first time hitting on a guy, you're doing a damn good job."


	14. Another Phone Call

Ring. Ring. Ring.

Connor woke up immediately at the ring of the telephone, and for a second he thought he was back home in Boston- but that was yesterday, he remembered. (God, was it only yesterday he and Murphy had come to New York?) And he wasn't in his own bed- he was in Barney's. (Which was awesome.) And this time, he didn't have to get up to answer the phone, either.

"Hello?" Barney said sleepily.

It was Robin. "Hey, Barney, is Connor still with you?"

Barney looked over at Connor and smiled. "Yes, he is… why?"

"Well, it's just, Murphy went out for a smoke and he hasn't come back…" She sounded worried.

Barney covered the mouthpiece with his hand. "Connor?"

"Aye."

"Robin says that Murphy went out for a smoke this morning and hasn't come back."

Connor opened his eyes. "What?"

"When was this?" Barney asked Robin."

"Almost an hour ago."

Barney pondered that. "What are the chances he just left?" he asked Connor.

Connor shook his head. "Where would he go? Besides, he wouldn't do that… shoulda heard him last night, he's crazy about Robin."

Robin heard that through the phone and smiled.

"So… what then?" Barney asked.

"Tell Robin I'll be right over."

"We're coming over," Barney said to Robin. He looked up at Connor. "What, you think you can ditch me that quickly?"

Connor couldn't help but kiss him for that.


	15. Awfully Generic Ransom Note

"All right," Connor said briskly. "About ninety minutes ago, Murphy went out for a smoke. And I know the man's a chimney, but it wouldn't take him that long to finish an entire pack, let alone one cigarette."

Robin bit her lip. Barney tapped his feet. Connor paced back and forth.

"So where the hell could he be?" Connor burst out angrily.

"Well, if he was planning on going somewhere, he would've taken his phone, right?" Barney suggested.

"Or gotten dressed?" Robin added.

Barney raised an eyebrow. "So… he went out for a cigarette…. naked?"

"No! I mean, all he had was jeans and a sweatshirt. I mean, it's cold out there."

Barney nodded. "Right. So, if he had known he was going somewhere, he would've worn a jacket, too."

"So he didn't know he was… Barney, are you suggesting he was _kidnapped_?" Robin asked.

Barney shrugged.

"Well, that's just ridiculous…"

"Not really," Connor mused.

Robin and Barney stared at him.

"Why would someone want to kidnap him?" Robin said slowly.

"Believe me, there are plenty of people who would like to see me and Murphy dead," Connor said flatly.

"_Dead_?" Robin said, her voice rising frantically.

"No, I mean, I don't think he's _dead_… I just, well, a lot of people would have reason to kidnap him."

"Which is why?" Barney asked.

Connor sighed. "It's a long story."

"… Is it an illegal story?"

Connor pondered that. "Would you prefer a lie, or the truth?"

"Oh, my God," Robin said faintly, falling on the couch. Barney too felt a little dizzy.

The door opened; Ted, Marshall, and Lily came in.

"Hey, guys," Ted said briskly. "Um, Connor, we just found this on the door…"

_If you ever plan on seeing your beloved brother again, you'll come find him at 11 44th street._

Now even Connor needed to sit down, his head in his hands and his mind racing at a thousand miles per hour. The ransom note slipped out of his grasp. Everyone watched him apprehensively.

Finally, Connor raised his head. "Robin," he said quietly, "can I borrow your gun?"

* * *

**(Please excuse my awfully generic ransom note.)**


	16. Ten Minutes

After much arguing, Connor was finally standing outside the building where Murphy supposedly was being kept, holding Robin's unfamiliar gun. He stood quietly on the sidewalk, attempting to formulate a plan in his racing mind.

Just as he was about to enter the building, a cab screeched to a halt next to him. Barney jumped out.

"Connor," he said breathlessly, "I have an idea."

"Barney, come on," Connor interrupted. "We talked about this. You don't know what kind of stuff me and Murph deal with, this is way over your head."

"Oh, please, Connor, I work with the North Koreans for a living," Barney said dismissively. "Just listen."

So Barney explained his idea. And Connor compromised. "If I'm not out in ten minutes, fine, you can do that. Aye?"

Barney smiled. "Aye." He cleared his throat. "Oh, and, um, Connor?"

"Yes?"

"…Be careful."

_Well, this is new_, Connor thought, _someone worrying about me while I'm doing something dangerous. _It felt… nice. He kissed Barney. "I'll be fine."

"Ten minutes," Barney called after Connor as he entered the building.


	17. They're Like Rabbits!

So Connor entered the building with Robin's gun, with absolutely no idea what he was doing. Which is probably what led to him being jumped, having Robin's gun stolen, and then getting thrown into a dungeon-esque room where Murphy was chained to the wall. **(No, Athena, stop thinking that! Bad!)**

"Hello, Connor," Murphy said dryly. "Your rescue plan is going well."

"Fuck you, at least I tried. Who the hell are these people?" Connor said, attempting to break his twin loose.

"Cousins of Yakavetta."

Connor rolled his eyes. "They're like rabbits, these fucking Italians."

Murphy rubbed his now free wrists. "So, genius, how did you plan on getting out?"

"Well… I have back up," Connor said.

Murphy raised an eyebrow. "Aye?"

"Aye, just wait about seven minutes, all right?"

"Who is this mysterious back up?"

"…Barney."

"No way, you guys hooked up last night?"

"How the _fuck_ would you know that?" Connor demanded.

"I'm your twin brother, I know this shit," Murphy said matter-of-factly.

"Eh, whatever."

Approximately seven minutes later, there was a loud BANG outside the dungeon-esque room, and then the unmistakable screams of frightened Italians. And then Barney opened the door.

"Come on, guys, it's all clear," he said brightly, tossing Robin's gun to Connor.

Connor stared at him. "What the – how the fuck did you do that?"

Barney laughed. "Please."


	18. Epilogue

_Ted/Bob Saget:_

Kids. even though the snowstorm only lasted three days, Connor and Murphy arranged their flight schedule to stay in New York another week. And then they came back to the city every other weekend. We had a lot of great times with them – but those stories are a bit too mature for you.

Your Uncle Barney's gay phase didn't last long. In fact, it ended after Connor moved back to Ireland. Barney claimed he had fulfilled his necessity, and being with a man made him realize how much he loved being with women, and blah blah blah. But really, I think Uncle Barney loved Connor so much, he could never replace him with another man.

(So he made do, as you know, with hundreds more women.)

**And that's how I met the Boondock Saints.**


End file.
